On wanting to fight, while hating it
4 stars
I turned to this book feeling really uncomfortable with the way the invasion of Ukraine is used to justify militarisation, but also understanding the sense of betrayal that I understand Ukrainian leftists feel when their ideological comrades abroad oppose equipping the country with arms to defend itself. Of course, states, governments and armies are some of the most fucked-up 'things' humans have invented, but surely self-determination and some level of democracy are worth fighting for.
The book did not really provide a satisfying reflection on this topic. I felt that the author doesn't have the mental space to do that: of course he doesn't, he has been in the army for years, far from his family, angry at his fellow Ukranians who have decided to hide, flee or disert, at the Russians that, he feels, have not been able to stand up for their own rights, much less for the …
I turned to this book feeling really uncomfortable with the way the invasion of Ukraine is used to justify militarisation, but also understanding the sense of betrayal that I understand Ukrainian leftists feel when their ideological comrades abroad oppose equipping the country with arms to defend itself. Of course, states, governments and armies are some of the most fucked-up 'things' humans have invented, but surely self-determination and some level of democracy are worth fighting for.
The book did not really provide a satisfying reflection on this topic. I felt that the author doesn't have the mental space to do that: of course he doesn't, he has been in the army for years, far from his family, angry at his fellow Ukranians who have decided to hide, flee or disert, at the Russians that, he feels, have not been able to stand up for their own rights, much less for the lives of Ukranians, at 'the West', who passes judgements while living in a bubble. Which is all more than fair enough.
What the book does deliver, however, is a very thoughtful, moving account of what is like to be called to go to war when one hates wars, and responding to the call willingly. In the past year, I have often found that it is hard to really immagine the full desperation that comes with sleeping in a tent in Gaza, knowing your chances of being killed during the night are high, that there will be no food in the morning, that there is no chance to wash, or use a bathroom, mourning your family and friends over and over...the suffering is almost too much to picture and makes me dull. Focusing on just a little fragment, meanwhile, has me in tears, like picturing Chapeye sending a selfie with the drawing of a cake for his son birthday, whom he hasn't seen in years, while his burly fellow soldiers do their best to help him master a smile for the photo.